New ME.....Thank God

This weekend has been amazing.

I went to church. I had missed church for the last four weeks. It was a combination of "lukewarm Christianity" as my church pastor called it this weekend, confusion of direction, and letting other things (fertility or rather infertility) take precedence in my mind and in my time than going to Church.

It was Saturday. Bryan had to go to work that evening. My stepson was here for the weekend. I had been actually craving to go to church since Thursday. I missed it. I haven't honestly "wanted to go to church" for a long time. I enjoyed that feeling. So I decided to go with my stepson to the evening service. It was as if I walked into a relatives home. I was greeted by the Campus Pastors, they remembered me, said hello. It was familiarity and comfort. My heart relaxed. I can't explain that in other way. I drop the little one off at "his friends room" (the child care). I made my way to the Auditorium, grabbed Communion, and settled into a seat in the front row. I got on my knees, prayed, and received Communion. The worship started with a pretty cool song that got the room going. It was great! I was happy. I was comfortable. Then they energy shifts as they start a more intense reflective song. The lyrics begin

"Here I am, Down on my knees again, Surrendering all, Surrendering all, Find me here, Lord as You draw me near, Desperate for You, Desperate for You. I surrender"

I am down on my knees literally at this point, tears flooding my shirt, ruining my makeup. I don't care. The lyrics become a pleading prayer to The Lord.

"Drench my soul, As mercy and grace unfold, I hunger and thirst, I hunger and thirst, With arms stretched wide, I know You hear my cry, Speak to me now, Speak to me now."

My mind is running wild with thoughts but, the only one I can hear above all the noise is "Jesus, do you love me?" I cry harder. So hard that I bury my face in my hands because I know I have reached the point of no return and I can not stop the flood that is pouring from my face.

"I surrender, I surrender, I want to know You more, I want to know You more, Like a rushing wind, Jesus breathe within, Lord have Your way, Lord have Your way in me"

My singing is obviously off key and my words are barely understandable. I don't care. I was consumed, in the moment. Again I hear this question, "Jesus, do you love me?" I can not believe this question is in my heart. I attempt to answer myself, "Of course he loves you. You know that!" Then my heart replies "I know it, but I don't feel it." I can not believe that was in there. It was buried deep in my heart. I thought it was handled and resolved. God showed me different. "

Like a mighty storm, Stir within my soul, Lord have Your way, Lord have Your way in me."

I finally stop crying. Gather myself a little. I feel and overwhelming since of freedom. I continue to pray. I start asking God to show me that he loves me. To pour it out upon me so that I can make sure my heart can feel it. I am taken aback by my request. I was vulnerably authentic before Him. I thought to myself. "Boy Jessica you sure are being needy!" Then the next song starts.  Only a few chords in and already I'm crying again. I knew the song immediately.

"Higher than the mountains that I face, Stronger than the power of the grave, Constant through the trial and the change, One thing remains, One thing remains, Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me."

This song and I have some history. It was the first song I had ever heard at LifeChurch. It was the first time a worship song had made me cry. It was the women, singing this song, that made my husband and I decide to make that campus our home church. I love God. I asked and I received. The lyrics of that song was God showing me TRUTH about His love for ME.

"On and one and on and on it goes, It overwhelms and satisfies my soul, And I never ever have to be afraid, One thing remains, In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love, My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love."

Then Week 1 of the new series Bless This Home starts. I realized that I had been thirsting for motherhood to the determent of my relationship with God. I got "lukewarm" in my relationship with Him. I was chasing after motherhood and it was so confusing and overwhelming that I didn't have anything else to give to Him. I had been trying to eat this, get healthier, take this herb, read this book, have sex on this day. I was overwhelmed! Well I laid that down at the end of the message. I surrendered! I walked out of there 20lbs lighter. I scribbled out my declaration on a prayer request card, folded it up, and handed it to the campus pastor. His words he said to me next I will remember forever, "I love to watch you worship. So free." He put his hand over his heart (body language experts would indentify that gesture to be a sign of sincerity) and walked away. I was humbled. He saw God working in me from across the auditorium! I walked out of that place NEW.

Bryan came home Sunday morning at 10AM, I left shortly after that to serve at church (other conviction I came to the night before - serving is fun and I am making it non-negotiable). When I got home we left to take my stepson back to his mom and then went to our Sunday night LifeGroup. Finally when we got home last night Bryan got to watch the message.

I stayed home from work today because I caught the stomach virus has been going around and leaving my bedroom didn't sound like a possibility. When Bryan woke up we just talked for a little bit about the message and the conversation turned to the fertility stuff and I found out that Bryan was at the same point as I was. We both were ready to surrender. He made some beautiful points, but my favorite is this: "Life is a miracle. I don't want when we get pregnant to say oh it was to the credit of this herb, or this coach, or this method. I want only God to get the glory for the miracle."  I agreed. I again felt free. I felt like our marriage got a little stronger in that moment.

Bryan got up made some breakfast and sat in front of the TV to eat. Usually he would turn on Netflix. Instead I heard the Roku box. Then I hear Craig's voice and realized that my husband decided to start watching the previous series that we had missed. He chose God over the worldly show that he would have usually watched. Wives, you know the feeling, when your husband shows desire for the Lord. It's an awesome feeling!

So like I said this weekend has been amazing.

God is good, All the time.

I pray that God help me remember this weekend, remember to follow Him, listen to my husband's wisdom, and remember to hunger and thirst for righteousness.