Can't Hold Me Down

Okay so there is a theory. About Lobsters. Maybe you've heard, but if you haven't it basically goes like this:

You don't have to put a lid on a bucket of lobsters to keep them from crawling out because the other lobsters will pull them back down when they start to crawl out.

I really don't know if that is true or not. However, in the last few days I am seeing that people really do like to hold you back with their words.

I have been going to Jazzercise for 12 days now. I have been sticking with it, going everyday (except for 4th of July because I over slept), feeling awesome, dropped a pant size, and got below my 170 plateau and I'm actually down to 163.5. Excited! The thing that I am most excited about is that I finally let go of this idea that I had to force myself into going to the gym everyday and being there FOREVER and not see results. I know that I obviously was doing something wrong, but I would get discouraged and stop going all together. I finally allowed myself to realize who I am. What I like to do and went with that instead. I love to have fun. I love to socialize. I love music. When you add all of that together you get jazzercise. It's true! And I sweat.....a lot. I also did a diet change and decided to do a juice reboot. Like in the documentary Fat Sick and Nearly Dead. I plan to do that for 60 days. Its easy. No meal planning. No slaving in the kitchen. No yucky food I have to force myself to eat.

So here I am, making progress feeling good sticking to it and people see my green juice for example and say ridiculous things like

"Your not really going to drink that, are you?"

"It looks like seawater."

 

Why not say something like

"Oh that's like the juice cleanse stuff. I heard that was supposed to make you feel really great."

 

Or how about you don't say anything at all. Then again, like my pastor says,

If unhealthy people are making fun or your diet and exercise plan. You are probably on the right track.

hahaha! I had someone when I told them that I got to buy a size smaller jeans they said back in a very incredulous tone, "Already?" I wanted to say back "Yeah! You want to me to show you?!?" Why are people so verbally abusive. Even in a very small amount. It isn't edifying. I would just encourage others to speak LIFE in to people's successes. Rejoice with them! Cheer them on! Hold them accountable. I spoke to a friend about this because I trying to understand "naysayers" and I love the way she put it:

"They're usually people that have problems in their own lives but either refuse to address those problems this allowing their subconscious to knock down others that are doing what they think they can't do."

I really hope that we can start cheering other people on and not feel like everyone else's victories are attempts to make you feel bad about yourself because they are not. I know for me that this motivation and this kind of results are not typical for me. I decided to include God this time around that if He would help me and give me strength and keep me motivated, then I would know that this is exactly what he wants me to be doing. He is answering that prayer and I am seeing awesome results. I have been able to do with Him in 12 days what I could not do in 5 years! :) I am grateful to God for being loving and answering prayers such as this. I want to prepare my body for a healthy pregnancy and taking off access weight is a great place to start. 150 is my goal. It's getting closer! If anyone is discouraging you. Especially if it's yourself discouraging you. Give me a call/send me an email. I would love to remind you of what God wants to do in YOUR life.

Listen here, lobsters! Let me go! I'm climbing out!

<3

Actions Speak Louder Than Thoughts!

I want to share a story with you. A story that was a break through. A story that will hopefully motivate you.

Fighting with my weight since as long as I can remember. I had things spoken over me about my "stomach" or "needing a griddle" or how "big-boned" I must be. Crap. My eyes just got cloudy. This post is going to be harder than I thought.

With this struggle came up and downs renewed energy, trials, triumphs, deep dark lows, and cloud 9 highs. This story is from a time where I was trying with renew energy and stubborn goals to get in shape. I was down in the basement gym of our then apartment complex lifting weights. I had a pretty successful workout and was feeling good. I decided I would forego the elevator and take the 13 flights of stairs to my apartment to complete the workout. As I am walking to the stairs I think to myself you are crazy! this is not gonna happen!

I ascend up the first flight and I see the number 2 on the door and I think

you don't have to do this Jessica you can just go through that door and take the elevator the rest of the way

I keep climbing again I see the number 3 and I think

just give up, you had a good workout you don't need to do this

I keep climbing. For every single flight after that I continued to consider giving up.

EVERY SINGLE DOOR!

 The cool thing was that even as I'm thinking it I just kept climbing.

I finally see number 13. Immediately I sat down. Holy cow I did it! I had the biggest break through sitting on those steps.

Just because you think about quitting doesn't make you a quitter. When you keep climbing and reach the top you now have evidence to present to that next negative thought.

The negative thoughts will come. Jessica you are lazy. You never follow through.

This time I have an answer back.

Excuse me did see me climb 13 flights of stairs. Shut up and go bother someone else. I am not that girl anymore.

My actions spoke louder than that nagging negative inner voice that tried to hold me back. My actions proved that I was motivated. I accomplished something. My thoughts don't have to control my actions. I don't even have to resolve that thought right then and there. I just move passed it. Imagine if I would have sat down on the second flight of stairs and said to myself: Now Jessica lets talk about why you wanted to quit because we have to resolve this right now. Lets think about this. Lets dig up every if and or but and try to get rid of these thoughts.

I would have been sitting on that step for hours! Its ok for negative tape to play as long as the positive actions continue despite them.

I will keep climbing. I will reach the top.

I am not saying my workout journey has been obstacle-less since this epiphany, but I do know that realizing that my actions can speak louder than those stupid negative thoughts is encouraging. You won't have evidence to the contrary if you never try! I would just like to encouraging everyone to start building your I CAN DO THIS file. The file that you keep in your head or maybe even on paper that you can recall or pull out every time you feel like you CAN'T. Just look at that list and say. Ohhhhh yessssss I cannnnn! As evidence by, this whole list.

A little self motivation. A little pat on the back. If all else fails. Call me. I'll remind you of who you are, and what you are capable of.

New ME.....Thank God

This weekend has been amazing.

I went to church. I had missed church for the last four weeks. It was a combination of "lukewarm Christianity" as my church pastor called it this weekend, confusion of direction, and letting other things (fertility or rather infertility) take precedence in my mind and in my time than going to Church.

It was Saturday. Bryan had to go to work that evening. My stepson was here for the weekend. I had been actually craving to go to church since Thursday. I missed it. I haven't honestly "wanted to go to church" for a long time. I enjoyed that feeling. So I decided to go with my stepson to the evening service. It was as if I walked into a relatives home. I was greeted by the Campus Pastors, they remembered me, said hello. It was familiarity and comfort. My heart relaxed. I can't explain that in other way. I drop the little one off at "his friends room" (the child care). I made my way to the Auditorium, grabbed Communion, and settled into a seat in the front row. I got on my knees, prayed, and received Communion. The worship started with a pretty cool song that got the room going. It was great! I was happy. I was comfortable. Then they energy shifts as they start a more intense reflective song. The lyrics begin

"Here I am, Down on my knees again, Surrendering all, Surrendering all, Find me here, Lord as You draw me near, Desperate for You, Desperate for You. I surrender"

I am down on my knees literally at this point, tears flooding my shirt, ruining my makeup. I don't care. The lyrics become a pleading prayer to The Lord.

"Drench my soul, As mercy and grace unfold, I hunger and thirst, I hunger and thirst, With arms stretched wide, I know You hear my cry, Speak to me now, Speak to me now."

My mind is running wild with thoughts but, the only one I can hear above all the noise is "Jesus, do you love me?" I cry harder. So hard that I bury my face in my hands because I know I have reached the point of no return and I can not stop the flood that is pouring from my face.

"I surrender, I surrender, I want to know You more, I want to know You more, Like a rushing wind, Jesus breathe within, Lord have Your way, Lord have Your way in me"

My singing is obviously off key and my words are barely understandable. I don't care. I was consumed, in the moment. Again I hear this question, "Jesus, do you love me?" I can not believe this question is in my heart. I attempt to answer myself, "Of course he loves you. You know that!" Then my heart replies "I know it, but I don't feel it." I can not believe that was in there. It was buried deep in my heart. I thought it was handled and resolved. God showed me different. "

Like a mighty storm, Stir within my soul, Lord have Your way, Lord have Your way in me."

I finally stop crying. Gather myself a little. I feel and overwhelming since of freedom. I continue to pray. I start asking God to show me that he loves me. To pour it out upon me so that I can make sure my heart can feel it. I am taken aback by my request. I was vulnerably authentic before Him. I thought to myself. "Boy Jessica you sure are being needy!" Then the next song starts.  Only a few chords in and already I'm crying again. I knew the song immediately.

"Higher than the mountains that I face, Stronger than the power of the grave, Constant through the trial and the change, One thing remains, One thing remains, Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me."

This song and I have some history. It was the first song I had ever heard at LifeChurch. It was the first time a worship song had made me cry. It was the women, singing this song, that made my husband and I decide to make that campus our home church. I love God. I asked and I received. The lyrics of that song was God showing me TRUTH about His love for ME.

"On and one and on and on it goes, It overwhelms and satisfies my soul, And I never ever have to be afraid, One thing remains, In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love, My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love."

Then Week 1 of the new series Bless This Home starts. I realized that I had been thirsting for motherhood to the determent of my relationship with God. I got "lukewarm" in my relationship with Him. I was chasing after motherhood and it was so confusing and overwhelming that I didn't have anything else to give to Him. I had been trying to eat this, get healthier, take this herb, read this book, have sex on this day. I was overwhelmed! Well I laid that down at the end of the message. I surrendered! I walked out of there 20lbs lighter. I scribbled out my declaration on a prayer request card, folded it up, and handed it to the campus pastor. His words he said to me next I will remember forever, "I love to watch you worship. So free." He put his hand over his heart (body language experts would indentify that gesture to be a sign of sincerity) and walked away. I was humbled. He saw God working in me from across the auditorium! I walked out of that place NEW.

Bryan came home Sunday morning at 10AM, I left shortly after that to serve at church (other conviction I came to the night before - serving is fun and I am making it non-negotiable). When I got home we left to take my stepson back to his mom and then went to our Sunday night LifeGroup. Finally when we got home last night Bryan got to watch the message.

I stayed home from work today because I caught the stomach virus has been going around and leaving my bedroom didn't sound like a possibility. When Bryan woke up we just talked for a little bit about the message and the conversation turned to the fertility stuff and I found out that Bryan was at the same point as I was. We both were ready to surrender. He made some beautiful points, but my favorite is this: "Life is a miracle. I don't want when we get pregnant to say oh it was to the credit of this herb, or this coach, or this method. I want only God to get the glory for the miracle."  I agreed. I again felt free. I felt like our marriage got a little stronger in that moment.

Bryan got up made some breakfast and sat in front of the TV to eat. Usually he would turn on Netflix. Instead I heard the Roku box. Then I hear Craig's voice and realized that my husband decided to start watching the previous series that we had missed. He chose God over the worldly show that he would have usually watched. Wives, you know the feeling, when your husband shows desire for the Lord. It's an awesome feeling!

So like I said this weekend has been amazing.

God is good, All the time.

I pray that God help me remember this weekend, remember to follow Him, listen to my husband's wisdom, and remember to hunger and thirst for righteousness.